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FeedAddicted to Love
Lust, longing, passion and flirtation "” it's all just basic chemistry.
The late crooner Robert Palmer was right when he sang that we, as a species, are
hopelessly addicted to love. If you don't remember all the lyrics, you probably at least recall hearing the tune while you were scouting for the very opiate the man was singing about. Palmer wasn't the first to wax metaphoric about what we've come to label as "chemical attraction" in the sexual joust, but what we took as a clever spin turns out to be scientific fact. At the very core of the heretofore indefinable notions of romance and lust and everything in between is something that even the crustiest of cynics can get their head around: Love really is chemical. And you can become addicted to it.
No one argues that carnal urges dawn in the adolescent brain because of chemical changes caused by the onset of puberty. Less obvious than emerging body parts, however, is a teen's sudden ability to feel emotional attraction with sexual overtones "” the very stuff of romance itself "” a dynamic that, previously was written off as innocent friendship, a simple childhood crush. Yet as notes passed in class evolve into prom corsages "” and then drinks, followed by nuptials and, too often, illicit affairs, we tend to overlook the chemical component fueling it all, one that, at its very core, seeks nothing more romantic than the procreation of the species.
Animals, whose nature drives them, are known to emit olfactory chemical signals called pheromones, announcing that they are ready to mate and conceive, which, in turn, causes a respondent chemical process in downwind compatible mates that makes them more than willing to volunteer. The human animal does the same with scent "” no, not Chanel No. 5 "” with a resulting cocktail of tingling nerves and butterfly-infested stomachs mixed with a matrix of social preferences, deficient egos and experiential reference points that serve to define the nature of the ensuing pursuit. Scientific studies have actually shown that exotic dancers who are ovulating make nearly double the tips of those who are not, the difference being nothing if not chemical.
Even the art of kissing has a chemical agenda, as saliva transmits neuro signals that are perceived as either biocompatible or otherwise "” with genetic factors that bode well for successful gestation and birth. If you've ever met up with a prince or princess who kissed like the proverbial frog, welcome to psycho-sexual chemistry 101. While such a notion doesn't mesh with the standard definition of romance, it does explain the very real physical rush that a good smooch can deliver.
Beyond innocent attraction and flirtation, however, there are even stronger chemicals in play. Touch, pleasure, even conquest causes the brain to secrete dopamine, which delivers the same rush as does addictive narcotics. Which means all the innumerable ways with which we experience pleasure in the romantic and sexual realm, from a glance across a crowded room (or these days, a provocative on-line profile) to a first touch, a steamy kiss, and the scalding embrace of new sex, is like mainlining a dopamine jag that keeps you high long after the sheets have been laundered. Other chemicals join the party here, including serotonin and oxytocin (the same stuff that floods the neuro-pathways of new mothers during labor and nursing, prompting a fierce connection to their babies), all of it mixed with the sociologic and egocentric conditioning that allows us to bask in the glow of it all.
Happily Ever After
There's nothing like hooking up with a hot stranger to mask low self-esteem in the short run. This explains everything from lounge lizards to serial cheaters, who, in spite of their best intentions, cannot shake the habit. They become addicted to the chase and the dopamine-rewarded conquest and the reassurance that their deflated ego requires. When the spice of the forbidden gives way to true intimacy "” a decidedly practical and nonchemical trade-off "” their little habit, both chemical and co-dependent, calls their name, and back downtown, or online, they go. As for couples that manage to maintain their dopamine habit over the years, that's as much choice and creativity as it is anything else. They become addicted to each other and, with the addition of a little nonchemical luck, manage to live happily every after.
Then again, perhaps we shouldn't over-think this chemistry that ignites everything from our fantasies to our personal definitions of romance any more than we should explain away our craving for a good steak to chemical activity in our brain's hunger center. Once we bite into that juicy fillet, it's fortified and reinforced by the very same dopamine that hooks us on this thing we call love itself. In the end it's all the same drug, and like any narcotic, we get to choose our relationship with it.
And if all of this sounds just a little too unromantic, maybe we should just shut up and dance. Sing along with me, "it's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough; you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to love."
