Denver Magazine / Denver Magazine February 2010 / Helping Cupid

 Email  Print  Feed

Helping Cupid

A former CU professor uncovers the subtext of sex appeal.

Cupid doesn’t always aim true. But he usually hits something. The trick is helping him find his mark.

To understand how the little imp operates, Stan Jones spent several years studying gender signals, the subtle body language that men and women use to cue sexual interest.

Like some pith-helmeted anthropologist, the University of Colorado professor emeritus ventured deep into the Denver night, making hundreds of observations at singles bars and parties. What’s in a toss of the hair or a sidelong glance? A wide stance or a palm placed on the back of the neck?

Jones lays it all out in Seven Days to Sex Appeal: How to Be Sexier Without Surgery, Weight Loss, or Cleavage, a book he co-authored with sex therapist Eva Margolies. Their conclusion: Sex appeal is as much about attitude as looks.

“The secret to sex appeal is basically in the way you manipulate gender signals — the behaviors that communicate femininity or masculinity — to display various attractive qualities,” says Jones, an internationally recognized expert on body language and sex appeal. “It’s something that can be learned with coaching and practice.”

Here’s a scene: Bartenders hustle to fill glasses. Men drink scotch on the rocks, lean against the bar, and eye women. Women perch on bar stools sipping daiquiris. It’s the day of love — Valentine’s Day — and Cupid’s bow and arrow are at the ready.

In that spirit, we offer a brief sampling of Jones’ findings, which might seem obvious to some and puzzling to others but are as timeless as instant infatuation.

The Stance

A woman arrives at a bar and wants to attract attention. She scans the room to show she’s open for contact — then establishes an attractive stance. “It could be some variation of putting one foot forward with her weight on her back foot, which causes the hip to shift out. Then she puts her hand on that hip to emphasize the curve. If you want to look open to approach, the most important thing is good posture,” Jones says.

A man hooks his thumbs into his pockets, a move that forces his elbows out to the side and takes up space, which is a masculine gender signal.

Now it’s time to flirt, the delicious art of saying everything and nothing.

Preening

A woman tosses her head and runs her fingers through her hair. She licks her lips and touches her jewelry in a slow, sensual way. A man adjusts his tie, flicks at his hair.

The message: “Notice my appearance and appreciate it. I want to look good for you.”

This is preening, a miniaturized version of grooming, a tip-off about what we are feeling but not necessarily wanting to show. “If she preens, and you preen back, that’s a very good sign,” Jones says.

But that hardly seals the deal. “The nice thing about body language is that you can take it back,” Jones says. “It’s not like you’re way out on the plank, ready to be shoved into the water.”

Eye Contact

Research indicates adults will respond to a direct stare, especially from a stranger, with increased heart rate and general nervous system activation. If a person is attractive and looks friendly, the reaction is likely to be positive.

“When a man walks over to a woman, he’s not going to look at her all the time,” Jones says. “He’s going to tilt his head, he’s going to look down, and as he gets closer, he’s going to look back up at her. That’s kind of respectful. It looks too intense if he’s staring at her as he’s walking over. She’s going to be doing some foot-shuffling, like ‘Get me out of here.’”

Hand Gestures

If a woman is talking to a man and makes a circular gesture with her hands, pulling them to her chest, it means she wants the man to be drawn in. If she emphasizes a point she’s excited about by raising her arms high, a man will often move closer (unless she’s signaling a Broncos touchdown).

Sitting

A woman positions herself at an angle instead of face-to-face. She looks around as if to say, “Here we are.” She glances across the room at a friend. The message: “Don’t take this too seriously.”

Touching

If things are really rolling, the woman will reach out and touch her potential suitor. “That’s really funny,” she tells him, touching his shoulder. “Listen to this,” she says, tapping his knee.

“It’s kind of a test,” Jones says. “You have to reciprocate at each step. It’s crucial the guy touches her before too long.”

Danger Signals

A woman reveals excessive cleavage, licks her lip with an open-mouth, walks with an exaggerated hip sway with half-lidded eyes and sidelong glances. “We call this all flags flying,” Jones says. “You’re sending signals: ‘to whom it may concern.’ She’s all over the place. Maybe she’s not really interested in you; she’s interested in the attention.”

A man ping-pongs across a room, offering drinks and witty conversation. This doesn’t mean he’s interested in you. This means he’s desperate.

A woman places a palm on the back of his neck — a sign of defensiveness, perhaps hostility.

Yes, bars and parties are social hardball. But on Valentine’s Day, Cupid’s arrow makes the deepest cut of all. So put your flirt on; you could get tagged. “When it comes to courtship,” Jones says, “it’s still pretty primitive stuff.”